Songs of Life
by Lynnlee22
Summary: Kelly and Kevin struggle to reconnect


**_Author's Note: This is a series inspired by songs but, due to guidelines, I have not included lyrics. These one shots are meant to be read in order and represent one sequential, complete story. Hope you enjoy!_**

 ** _It's_** **_My_** **_Time_**

"God," she whispered, her mind struggling to process a reality she didn't even want to entertain. How long had this been going on? Days? Weeks? Months? She'd known something was wrong the moment she'd heard Zane's voice. He rarely called her anymore, something she'd written off to his being a teenager, but now she'd wondered if his lack of contact was because of another reason. Perhaps he was covering…covering for Kevin…covering for all of this.

She raised her foot, stepping over one of the many empty bottles that scattered the floor of the small flat. The stench was almost overwhelming. Stale smoke and booze permeated the air as she crossed the room to crack a window. Kelly bent down, picking up another bottle that lay in her path. It was empty—they all were. Sighing, she reached for her cell.

"Where the hell are you, Kevin?"

He hadn't answered and she wasn't surprised. In an effort to occupy her mind, she'd taken to trying to clean up the place. She'd stopped counting the bottles at twenty four. It had to have been bad, she realized. Bad enough for Zane to call her—to ask for her help—to ask her to come to London.

"I'll take care of it, honey," she'd whispered. "Don't you worry. Your Dad is gonna be just fine. You go with your friends and I'll be there in the morning."

As she stood, surveying the progress she'd made, she sighed. She desperately hoped she hadn't lied to her son. Kevin definitely needed her help, but it appeared as if he might be in deeper than even she realized.

She froze, hearing a key turn in the door. The sound of glass hitting the table made her cringe. More bottles—these were full, no doubt. For now.

Kevin stomped into the room, removing his coat and throwing it onto the back of the small sofa. He stilled, immediately realizing the room was different. Turning around quickly, his eyes met hers as she stood in the doorway separating the small kitchen from the living space.

"Hello, Kevin," she said, softly.

"Kelly?" He approached her quickly, pulling her into his arms for a quick hug.

The smell of liquor wafted from his breath as he whispered into her ear.

"It's so good to see you," he whispered, pulling away as he remembered how the place must have looked when she arrived. "I'm so sorry about the mess," he smiled. "A group of guys and I were playing poker here last weekend and I never got around to coming back and picking up around here. It probably looked like a dump."

"Kevin," Kelly's voice was serious. Her heart sank as she watched him. She could see his brain working furiously, desperately trying to come up with another lie—something, anything to keep her from figuring out the truth.

"I know…I know," he continued. "I need to get a housekeeper to come and check on the place. I'm not here that much lately. Work's been keeping me really busy. I've hardly had any time to spend at home, much less here." He checked her face for a reaction. "Have you talked to Zane?" His words came quicker now, his nerves beginning to get the best of him. "I'm sure he told you about his ski trip. He left last night."

"Yes, I talked to Zane." This was far worse than she ever imagined. If Zane hadn't called, would she ever have known? It hit her, perhaps for the first time, how far removed she'd become from their lives. "Why don't we sit down?"

Kevin nodded, joining her on the sofa. His eyes shot over the bag on the table. The two bottles that sat inside the bag seemed to beckon to him, yet he knew better than to even consider touching them in her presence.

She hadn't missed his subtle glance towards the bag. "What's in the bag?" she asked, already knowing the answer.

Kevin paused. He couldn't lie. She'd see it eventually. "Scotch," he said, adding, "It doesn't bother me. I mean, the guys like it when they play and I try to keep it on hand."

Kelly stared at him. "But you…you don't?"

"God, No," Kevin responded immediately. "I haven't…" His words trailed off as he watched the tear stream down her face. "Kel," he whispered.

"How long?" she asked quietly.

"What? How long what?"

"You know damn well what. How long has this been going on? How long have you drinking?" She struggled to maintain composure. Her voice felt so shaky that every word she spoke was an effort.

He sat silently. "I.." He considered a lie, but as he looked into her eyes, he saw that she knew. Nothing he said would convince her otherwise. "A few weeks, I guess…I don't know." He averted his eyes as he spoke. If he looked at her he knew he'd see disappointment, and that was the one thing he'd always hated most—especially coming from her.

"Why?" As the word fell from her lips, she silently wondered if there was an explanation—if there was something he could say, any explanation he could give her that would be good enough.

Kevin stared at her then, no longer concerned of the judgment and disappointment he expected to find in her eyes. Her question had stunned him. How could she ask him that? Didn't she know? "Why not?" he said quietly.

He stood then, walking over to the table and removing a bottle from the bag. "I drink to forget about everything…to forget about what I don't have…to forget about what I've lost…to forget about what I miss…to forget." He looked over at her again. "To forget about you."

* * *

 ** _I'm_** **_So_** **_Lonesome_** **_I_** **_Could_** **_Cry_**

He could hear her in the kitchen, the sounds of the dishes clinking together. She was making coffee, or perhaps tea, he thought. A long conversation was coming… Normally, the thought of talking about his feelings would fill him with dread, but something about knowing she was nearby made him feel at ease. He knew she was upset, maybe even angry at him…for slipping again, for not calling her, for letting it get this far, but it didn't matter. She was here now—here with him. That was all he could think about.

The sounds still echoed in his mind.

How appropriate, he remembered thinking as he'd entered the pub. The sounds of Hank Williams drifted through the air. Sad country songs even crossed oceans it seemed. He knew the next line even before it was sung, "The moon just went behind a cloud to hide its face and cry."

He sat down at the bar, reaching into his pocket and pulling out a bill. He gestured at the bottle behind the counter and nodded at the barkeep. For a moment, he held the shot glass in his hand, his eyes staring into the amber colored liquid. No answers would be found there, but maybe..just maybe, the pain would go away, if only for a little while. In one quick motion, it was over. One quick flick of the wrist and all the years he'd of hard work were finished. It was day one all over again.

Reaching into his other pocket, he pulled out the picture, its worn corners now beginning to separate. The creases and folds had become a part of the image now, a clear indication of how often it had been looked at, cried over, and replaced. Kelly's face stared back at him, a memory of the way things used to be.

"The silence of a fallen star, lights up the purple sky. And as I wonder where you are, I'm so lonesome I could cry."

He sighed as the music changed. Truer words had never been spoken.

* * *

 ** _Back_** **_Before_** **_the_** **_War_**

"Thanks," he mumbled, careful to avoid her eyes as he took the cup of steaming coffee from her hands. He felt her fingertips brush across his skin as she passed a napkin over to him. It was hard to remember the last time he'd held her hand in his. It was the little things like that…holding her hand, watching her sleep, hearing her sing in the shower—those were the things he missed the most.

"I miss you," he whispered, looking up in surprise as he realized his words had been audible. He started to apologize, but the look in her eyes made him stop. "I miss us," he added, his voice cracking a little.

Kelly stared into his eyes as he spoke. It would be so much easier to believe he was a drunk, just trying to cover his tracks. It would be so much simpler to believe he'd say whatever he needed to say to get her distracted…so that she wouldn't be so focused on his drinking, but that wasn't the case. She knew it. She could feel it. She could see it. He was as sincere then as she'd ever seen him.

"Do you?" he asked quietly, still not looking at her. He stared into the coffee cup. He watched a tiny fleck of powdered creamer float across the surface.

"What?" she asked.

"Do you ever miss it…the way it used to be?" He looked up then, catching her gaze. "It wasn't always like this…it was good once, wasn't it?"

Kelly smiled, remembering. She thought of those moments often…sometimes she could think of them and smile, other times they made her cry. "Yes," she whispered. "It was…it was really good…for a while, but…"

Kevin nodded, he knew what the but was—he was the but. "I ruined it."

She took his hand in hers, pausing while he sat the coffee cup on the table in front of him. "You didn't ruin it. You didn't ruin anything. We both had a part in our marriage failing. We both did things and said things and didn't do things."

"But I gave up." That fact, his surrender, was what kept him up late into the night. He had filed the papers. He had brought them home. He had found the apartment. He left her.

"Kevin," she sighed. "I gave you every reason to believe that it was over."

"It shouldn't have mattered. I should have fought harder. I should have never let you go….no matter what. If I had the chance again, I wouldn't leave…no matter what. I'd never leave."

Kelly sat silently. She and Kevin hadn't talked like this in more than a year…not since before they signed the papers.

"I guess that's the big question," he said, breaking the silence.

"What is?" Kelly asked, confused.

"Will I ever have another chance?"

"Kevin.." She stood, walking over to the window. Looking outside, she watched as the clouds moved across the sky. A storm was moving in. It was strange, she thought….that's how she felt. In her head, she knew Kevin was in no condition to be in a relationship, he wasn't even a day sober, but in her heart… In her heart, everything was clouded. The love she felt for him seemed to overshadow everything.

She picked up the two bottles from the table and walked over to him. Handing them to him, she softly stated. "I think you'll have to be the one to answer that question."

* * *

 ** _Undone_**

He wasn't sure what was more exciting—Feeling strong enough to be out and social again, social in a situation where he knew there would be alcohol, or being out and social again with Kelly on his arm? He'd nearly lost his balance when she'd come downstairs this evening. The two of them had agreed to take things slow, but tonight…tonight would be their first official public appearance. Everyone from BE would be there, which means their reconciliation, or rather their attempt at one, would be news by morning.

Begrudgingly, he stopped watching her for a moment, just long enough to take the club soda from the bartender's hand. She was a true vision. Her hair up in a pretty twist that Kevin was certain probably had a name. She wore an emerald necklace and earrings that he'd given her for their first anniversary. It matched the emerald, floor length gown perfectly.

An old business associate spoke to him and he turned, making idle chatter for a moment. When he'd finished he quickly turned around again, ready to resume his watch post, but there she was, standing in front of him.

"Kevin?" she whispered, her big, green eyes full of concern. "What are you doing?"

He could see her gaze was fixed on the glass, and he knew what she was thinking. The sinking feeling returned, the one he'd been trying to fend off for months. "It's just club soda," he said, feeling as if life had been drained from him. "You can try it if you don't believe me."

He held out the glass to her, and she shook her head.

Her face flushed, a mixture of embarrassment, and anger, both at herself and the situation. "Kevin, I'm…"

"Don't," he said, sitting the glass down on the bar, and walking away. "Just don't."

"I want you to know how sorry I am," Kelly whispered again. She crossed the room, to where he sat, stewing on the edge of the bed. She'd removed the clip from her hair and it laid straight, the ends barely brushing her shoulders.

"Just forget it," he muttered. He wasn't angry with her. He couldn't be. He couldn't blame her for not trusting him. Hell—he'd given her every reason in the past not to trust him, but he'd thought, he'd hoped that they were past that. He'd believed they were at a place where they were finally rebuilding some of what they'd lost.

"I don't want to forget it!" she yelled, the volume of her voice startling him.

He looked up at her, surprised.

She felt the hot tears begin to fall from her eyes. "God, Kevin. Don't you think I hate this? Don't you think I hate feeling like this? Don't you think I wish I could just trust and believe that you'd never slip again…that you'd never have another drink…that you'd never do anything to hurt me? Don't you think I want to believe that we can make each other happy again?"

She was crying now, her breaths coming in jagged spurts, and no matter how upset he was, seeing her this way only spurred his desire to comfort her. He reached out, pulling her down on the bed, so that she sat beside him. "Believe it," he simply replied, reaching up to try her eyes. "Just believe it."

"I want to, Kevin, I do, but…"

"But what?" It was so damn frustrating. He didn't know what she wanted from him…he didn't know what she needed? How could he fix it if he didn't know what it was? "You don't trust me?"

"I…" She stopped…thinking for a moment. "I don't trust me," she finally admitted, feeling her body release a huge sigh.

"You?"

"If we tried again…if I really let you in. If I let down my guard again and you hurt me again…I don't know if I could…I don't know if I'd be able to…' She dissolved into tears again. It was the first time she'd ever admitted it out loud, and perhaps the first time she'd really admitted it to herself.

Kevin reached out, pulling her close to him. "You are the strongest person I know," he told her, stroking her back slowly until he felt the shaking slow. "You can do anything you set your mind to. Without me, you'd be just fine. But I…" He pulled away, looking into her eyes. "I'd be lost without you."

She could wait forever, hoping for a sign that things would be better. She could hope for guarantees, which she knew she'd never get, and she could protect her heart by guarding it forever. Or, she realized, as she looked into his eyes, she could let him in…she could let him love her and she could love him. It might be for a day….it might be for a lifetime, but it would be for real.

* * *

 ** _All_** **_Your_** **_Life_**

She reached up, wiping away the tears that fell from her eyes. A few still managed to fall onto the album, their presence noted with small wet spots on the page. They hadn't argued really. In fact, they hadn't said much of anything. That was part of the problem. They hadn't talked. They didn't talk…not about the things that mattered…not about the problems they'd had before…not about the real issues.

He'd been holding the album in his hands when she walked into the room. His eyes seemed fixed on the picture in front of him. It was a candid shot, one she didn't even know was being taken at the time. She was looking up at him and smiling. In her eyes she could see the happiness and love she remembered feeling.

"That was a good day," she said quietly, coming up behind him and looking over his shoulder.

"Yeah, it was," he responded quickly, immediately shutting the album and pushing it away from him.

She sighed. He shut down as quickly as he'd shut the book. The more she tried to talk to him about the way things were when they were good, about the way things were when they were bad, even about the way things were now, the harder he tried to back away. He seemed absolutely terrified to talk to her—as if letting her into his thoughts would somehow make him too vulnerable.

"Kevin," she softly whispered, walking around the couch to sit beside him. "Eventually we have to talk about this….if we're ever going to have any chance of…"

"We will," he promised, standing up and looking at his watch. "I just…I have a uh..a meeting with a client and I can't be late. We'll talk later. I promise." He'd leaned in, giving her a quick kiss on the cheek and hurried out the door.

As she heard the door shut behind him, the tears were immediately triggered. It wasn't always a meeting. Sometimes it was a phone call. Sometimes it had been a really long day. Sometimes he simply couldn't get into it, but it was always something. There was always some reason they couldn't talk. That was what scared her the most.

He turned the radio off. The noise in his head was enough of a distraction at the moment. He sat in his car at the end of the road and looked out over the roads and buildings in front of him. A few couples passed in front of him. They talked and laughed and smiled at each other. It seemed so easy for them. Why couldn't it be for him? It had been once. Why couldn't it be again?

He knew why. He couldn't let himself be that vulnerable again. He knew what it did…what it allowed to happen. The first time he opened himself up that completely, he lost her…and then he lost everything—his self respect, his sobriety, his reputation at work, he was even on point to lose his relationship with his son. If she hadn't come back into his life, he very well could have lost his life. How could he in good conscience allow him to become his world again? How could he invest that much?

Sighing he shifted gears.

He pushed the door, surprised to feel some resistance. Stepping inside he saw a large suitcase sitting by the door. His heart beat faster. She was leaving. He had lost her….again. This isn't what he wanted. He quickened his steps and nearly sprinted up the stairs, prepared to say anything to change her mind.

"Kelly," he almost pleaded when he saw her face. "Please don't do this."

She looked at him, confused. "Kevin, I don't know what else to do. I can't keep doing this. I can't keep living a life in limbo."

He reached out, taking her hands. "I don't want you to. I want you here. I need you here." He searched his mind for words…something, anything that would change her mind…some words of wisdom that would make her stay.

"It's got to be more than that," she said quietly. "I can't stay here because you're afraid of what you'll do if I go."

He shook his head. This wasn't coming out right. None of it was. "I don't mean it like that. I love you, Kelly. I've never stopped…not even for a second. The thought of you leaving again, I….I can't stand it. I'll do anything you want me to do. If you want me to quit BE, I'll do it. If you want us to move, we'll move. If you want…."

She held up her hand for him to stop. His words stunned her and she stared at him for a moment, startled by his sudden admission. "I don't want you to do that. I don't need all that. I just need you," she said softly. "I feel like I've only been getting part of you….like you've been holding back….like you've been putting up all these boundaries..all these walls. I just want to feel like you're in this…all the way."

"I am," he whispered, stepping in closer to her. "I swear."

Kelly smiled at him. "In that case," she said softly, "so am I".


End file.
